Posted by: 15specialneeds | June 9, 2010

Emotions…

Hi Dear Ones,

I had a very weird emotional experience last week, and really it was so out of the blue! I was walking the Stanford Dish (very difficult) and I was marvelling at how my physical capabilities had improved so much since having Lukey! While having this thought, I started thinking about the day that he was born and how it all started so well and then became so clinical, and as the day progressed the looks of concern from the midwives when they looked at the monitor giving information on Luke’s heart rate.  I was wondering why I didn’t cry when the word ‘C’ Section started being used frequently.  When the decision was finally made for me that a ‘C’ section was to be done, the very core of me felt so scared, it was such a unbelieveably deep feeling, and still I was thinking – just get through this and it will be fine.  So, I am still pounding up the hill, and I was thinking I was so lucky to have a beautiful little boy, and then the tears fell. I was happy that there are very few people about, and it is one of the most beautiful places! I feel so blessed, because to have walked away from  hospital that day, without a baby, would have been the saddest day of my life.

Personally, I am not a big fan of crying. I don’t feel my ‘spirit has been lifted’ or has had some cathartic experience. I just makes me look horrible, and in my mind it is not an attractive look! Actually, I did cry when he was actually shown to me,  which is a first time after having a baby! (I guess with Rebecca and Nathan I was so exhausted when it was over, and so happy to have a healthy baby – it seemed unnecessary! )

Anyway, I cannot believe Luke  is three next month and while it is easy to think about what he is not doing in terms of development, in all honesty, it doesn’t really matter, especially when I think about his arrival into the world, and how I am finding an amazing group of people to help him and me.  I feel like I have just taken a big ‘chill pill’ lately and it is a really great place to be!

Rxxx

PS – Wish I could have stopped crying with laughter at the dance recital the other night!

‘The way I see it, if you want rainbows, you must have a little rain.’  – Dolly Parton

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